Allons-y!: A stage play
by Verbs Everywhere
Summary: A parody in two acts for four actors. Aided by his companions, the newly regenerated Doctor is ready to take on a cardboard debutante, a carnivorous television, an obnoxious Sontaran, rowdy alien rappers, and more. But his new form is plagued by feelings of angst and guilt, and he can't shake the feeling that the universe is out to get him... (Sequel to Bad Wolf: A stage play)
1. Prologue

_Enter THE DOCTOR, ROSE, ACTOR #1, and ACTOR #2_

THE DOCTOR: Hi! Welcome to "Allons-y!" I'm the Doctor.

ROSE: And I'm the Doctor's companion.

ACTOR #1 & ACTOR #2: And we are everyone else.

ROSE: Wait, so we're naming the show after your catchphrase?

THE DOCTOR: Why not?

ROSE: Well, the last show was named after the arc words.

THE DOCTOR: I was the Doctor for three and a half series. I had a lot of arc words.

ACTOR #1: But what if we combined them? It could be, like...Torchwood...

ACTOR #2: Harold Saxon...

ACTOR #1: Disappearing bees-

ACTOR #2: Disappearing planets-

ACTOR #1: And he will knock four times.

THE DOCTOR: Right. "Torchwood Harold Saxon, the Disappearing Bee Planet that Will Knock Four Times." Excuse me if I don't go with that one.

ACTOR #2: What if we arranged them in a different order?

ACTOR #1: The Four Disappearing Planets of-

THE DOCTOR: No, no, no. We're not doing this rearranging-a-laundry-list-of-humorously-juxtapose d-words gag anymore. It's old and it's trite and nobody likes it.

ROSE: I like it.

THE DOCTOR: You guys do whatever you want.

_ACTORS exit._

THE DOCTOR: All right, I'm ready for this. Brand new face. It's time to stop acting like a bloodthirsty warmonger and start acting like the Doctor again.

ROSE: Wait. I'm not sure you are the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: What? But...you saw me change. I was telling you about how I ate the banana, and then I was over there, and that's when things got all bendy.

ROSE: Doctor, are you okay?

THE DOCTOR: You've got the light...from the console...keep you, lift you up. They shine like...little angels...

_(He passes out. ROSE quickly goes to revive him.)_

ROSE: Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Gaah!

ROSE: You just passed out. What's going on?

THE DOCTOR: I don't know. It must be the regeneration. Something's gone wrong. It's too soon to say for sure, but I think that this lifetime will be rife with feelings of angst and generally overly emotional behavior.

ROSE: Either way, I'm still not convinced you're the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: How can I prove it to you?

ROSE: Do you still have that button that fires the missile?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah. By satellite.

_(Takes button out of his pocket.)_

ROSE: Well, look at that.

_(ROSE points upward. DOCTOR looks.)_

ROSE: There's a Sycorax spaceship floating above us. They're a threat to the human race. Should we blow them up?

THE DOCTOR: What? Are you insane? No, I would never!

ROSE: Because it would be murder?

THE DOCTOR: No, because the burning shrapnel could do heavy damage to the surface of present-day London.

ROSE: You are most definitely the Doctor.

_They hold hands and run offstage._


	2. Act I, Scene 1

_CASSANDRA enters, a cardboard prop held by ACTOR #1._

CASSANDRA: Surprise! Didn't expect to see me again, did you? Yes, it is I, Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen, the most gorgeous villain from the last play, and I'm here to get my revenge on the-

_ROSE enters._

ROSE: Cassandra?

CASSANDRA: Hello, Rose! Didn't expect to see me again, did you? Yes, it is I, Lady Cassandra O'-

ROSE: Yeah, yeah I heard you, it's not that big a stage. But you were destroyed in the last play!

CASSANDRA: We made a new prop.

ROSE: Oh.

CASSANDRA: Now, if you'll excuse me a second...

_CASSANDRA exits._

ROSE: What are you doing?

CASSANDRA: _(offstage) _You'll see. It's goodbye trampoline and hello blondie!

ROSE: I don't know exactly what that means, but it can't possibly be good.

_(ROSE shakes violently, as if she's being electrocuted, then collapses. She stands up as CASSANDRA.)_

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Legs! I've got legs!

_THE DOCTOR enters._

THE DOCTOR: Rose! Hey, I was just talking to the Face of Boe, and-

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Talking, were you? That's all you ever do, is talk. Oh, don't take any notice of me; I was just, you know, larking about. Pip pip, guv'nor.

THE DOCTOR: Are you ready to go?

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Don't you notice anything different about me, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: Did you cut your hair?

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Seriously?

THE DOCTOR: Excuse me, Rose, I'm the one who just changed every fiber of my being, and you're saying-Look who can't stand not being the center of attention!

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Fine, then. I'll tell you. Come over here. _(THE DOCTOR approaches) _Closer. _(THE DOCTOR comes closer) _Closer.

_(They are a few inches apart. Suddenly, she grabs his arms.)_

ROSE/CASSANDRA: At last! Now it's goodbye blondie, and hello-

THE DOCTOR: You're not Rose, are you?

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Give the man a medal.

_(Both of them shake violently as before and collapse. Then, they both stand: THE DOCTOR as CASSANDRA; ROSE as herself.)_

ROSE: Doctor? Doctor!

THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Would you shut up a minute? I just blacked out and turned into David Tennant. It's very distracting.

ROSE: Give him back!

THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Don't act like you're all upset. You weren't even sure that this man was really the Doctor. And aren't I such an improvement over your angsty friend?

ROSE: Look, I've bought the fact that he's the Doctor, and whatever else he is after that, he's still the Doctor, and how do you know about all that?

THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Because it's in his head. And if it's in his head, it's in my head. By the way, did you know you're not the first woman in his life-? Oh.

ROSE: What?

THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Such a lonely place. The inside of his head. So many unresolved feelings and moral decisions, oh, he's man-pain in a suit and Converse! Oh, no amount of screaming fangirls is worth this!

ROSE: Then maybe you should go back inside my head.

THE DOCTOR/CASSANDRA: Very well!

_(He grabs ROSE's arms. They both shake, then stagger backwards.)_

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Well, looks like it's back to blondie. Right then, Doctor, I suppose you're going to revert to your usual violent methods to get her back?

THE DOCTOR: I could. But I'm thinking of trying this new thing where instead of killing people, I make them better.

ROSE/CASSANDRA: That will never catch on.

THE DOCTOR: Or I could just kill you.

ROSE/CASSANDRA: So! Are we going to go on adventures?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah! I was thinking maybe we could go to Scotland, meet Queen Victoria, fight werewolves, that kind of thing. Oh, and don't think I won't want Rose back eventually, because I'm still working on that.

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Very well. Wait, did you say werewolves?

THE DOCTOR: Hm? Oh, that was just an exaggeration. I don't want to fight any actual werewolves. That would be dangerous.

_WEREWOLF enters._

WEREWOLF: Oooh-woooh!

ROSE/CASSANDRA: A werewolf!

THE DOCTOR: How dangerous!

WEREWOLF: Woooohh...

ROSE/CASSANDRA: What are you waiting for? Kill it!

THE DOCTOR: I can't! I don't kill things anymore! If only there were some way of containing it...Almost as if we could impress another consciousness onto the-

_(He looks at ROSE/CASSANDRA.)_

ROSE/CASSANDRA: Oh, no. No, I am not going to go inside that werewolf's head!

THE DOCTOR: Why not?

ROSE/CASSANDRA: I would be a hideous monster! A fanged beast, bent on heinous killing and savagery! Can you imagine how hard it would be to get a date?

THE DOCTOR: Captain Jack would still have you.

ROSE/CASSANDRA: I'll do it. _(to WEREWOLF) _Come here, werewolf...That's right... (_WEREWOLF approaches) _That's right, come on, almost there...Hah!

_(She grabs WEREWOLF's arms.)_

WEREWOLF: Wooh?!

_(They both shake violently. ROSE collapses; WEREWOLF staggers backwards.)_

DOCTOR: Rose! Are you okay?

ROSE: Yeah...What happened?

WEREWOLF/CASSANDRA: Owoohhhoh, this is quite a far cry from my usual form, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Now, I must find this Captain Jack! Oooh-woooh!

_Runs offstage._


	3. Act I, Scene 2

THE DOCTOR: Are you okay?

ROSE: Yeah. I don't really remember...Wait a minute!

DOCTOR: What?

ROSE: Cassandra said I'm not the first woman in your life. Is that true?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah...About that...

_SARAH JANE enters._

SARAH JANE: _(to AUDIENCE) _Hello! I'm Sarah Jane Smith, companion to the third and fourth Doctors, and popularly believed to be the best companion of all time.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, someone kill me now.

ROSE: The best companion of all time, you say?

SARAH JANE: That's right, and who are you?

ROSE: I'm Rose Tyler. You know, the real best companion of all time.

SARAH JANE: Oh, please! The only people who think you're the best companion are the ones who haven't seen the classic series-

THE DOCTOR: Girls, girls, could we please not fight? _(to SARAH JANE) _Look. If I give you a robot dog, will you go away?

SARAH JANE: All right.

THE DOCTOR: Okay. _(takes a tiny plastic dog from his pocket) _Here. It's a robot dog. Now go do a spin-off or something.

SARAH JANE: _(takes dog, deflated) _Okay...

_SARAH JANE exits._

THE DOCTOR: Now then. Where were we?

ROSE: I don't believe it.

THE DOCTOR: What?

ROSE: That Sarah Jane...You were that close to her once...and you never even mention her. Is that what you're going to do to me?

THE DOCTOR: Rose, listen to me. There are four things that I will absolutely never do to you. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around. Never gonna-

REINETTE: _(offstage)_ Ay, docteur!

THE DOCTOR: Back in a second.

_He bolts offstage._

ROSE: Doctor-!

_CYBERMAN enters._

ROSE: And who might you be?

CYBERMAN: I am a Cyberman.

ROSE: _(knocks on CYBERMAN's chest) _A man with a heart of cold steel. If I haven't seen that one before.

CYBERMAN: You will be deleted.

ROSE: If I haven't heard that-What did you say?

CYBERMAN: You will be deleted. _(reaches for ROSE)_

ROSE: No!

_(CYBERMAN begins stalking after ROSE. ROSE runs dramatically in slow motion.)_

ROSE: Help! Someone! Doctor!

_THE DOCTOR enters, holding a glass and looking a little hung over._

THE DOCTOR: Wow, look who remembers my name!

ROSE: Me? You're the one who ran off with a French courtesan!

THE DOCTOR: Mm. As they say in France, touché. Don't worry, Rose, I got this. _(swaggers over to CYBERMAN and claps him on the shoulder) _Tell you what. You're so thick, you probably think this is a glass of water.

_(He pours the glass over CYBERMAN)_

_SOUND: Sparking._

CYBERMAN: Nooooo!

_CYBERMAN staggers offstage._

ROSE: What was that?

THE DOCTOR: Multi-grade anti-oil. If it moves, it doesn't.

ROSE: Where did you get it?

THE DOCTOR: _(stares at glass) _I don't remember.

ROSE: Now, where was I? Oh, that's right. You were about to apologize for leaving me to die so you could-

THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry, okay? I guess... _(addresses the AUDIENCE) _I guess I'm just so alone in this universe that I just wanted to have some sense of companionship.

ROSE: Too bad you can't get that from your companion.

THE WIRE: _(offstage)_

I couldn't agree more.

ROSE: Who said that?

THE DOCTOR: (his speech overlapping with Rose.)

Of course, I blame all this on the Time War.

_THE WIRE enters. It's ACTOR #1 holding a cardboard TV frame._

THE WIRE: I did.

THE DOCTOR: I mean, the things I saw during that war...

ROSE: What about the thing I'm seeing right now? Doctor, are you even noticing this?

THE DOCTOR: And then there's Gallifrey. My home, gone forever.

THE WIRE: Feed me.

ROSE: Doctor?

THE WIRE: Feed me!

_THE WIRE moves offstage. ROSE follows as if caught in a tractor beam, screaming in a strained way._

THE DOCTOR: And I guess, after all that, I lost sight of what's really important. And that's you, Rose. _(turns around)_

Rose? Rose!

_THE DOCTOR runs offstage._


	4. Act I, Scene 3

_THE DOCTOR and ROSE re-enter._

ROSE: You did it again!

THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry! I warned you that I'm overly emotional now. I just need some support.

ROSE: And I need to not be killed by an evil TV set!

THE DOCTOR: That's a valid need. But look, Rose, you have to trust that I'll always be able to protect you.

ROSE: Why should I?

THE DOCTOR: Well, because I'm the Doctor. I'm the most powerful being in the universe.

THE BEAST: _(rumbling voice offstage) _I beg to differ!

THE DOCTOR:Who said that?

THE BEAST: I did.

ROSE: Doctor, I'm scared.

THE DOCTOR: And who are you?

THE BEAST: I am the Beast.

THE DOCTOR: Okay, you're the Beast. And do you have some kind of problem with me?

THE BEAST: You say that you are the most powerful being in the universe. But you are nothing compared to me!

ROSE: Doctor, when he says "the Beast," is he talking about, you know, the devil?

THE DOCTOR: Don't be silly, Rose. The devil is just an idea.

THE BEAST: I warn you, Doctor, do not put me to the test!

THE DOCTOR: Hey, guess what, Rose? I think I'm going to put him to the test. All right, Beast, do your worst!

_ABZORBALOFF enters._

ABZORBALOFF: I am the Abzorbaloff-!

THE DOCTOR: No, no, no, no! My punishment must not be that severe!

ROSE: What's wrong, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: I mean, just look at that thing! That's easily the worst monster I've ever had to fight. Easily.

ABZORBALOFF: Worst as in most evil?

THE DOCTOR:Most evil-! You're, what, a big green monster that-

ABZORBALOFF: That absorbs people!

THE DOCTOR: That absorbs people. That's like something a nine-year-old would come up with! I can't work like this. I'm sorry. I'm not going to do it.

ABZORBALOFF: Are you refusing to fight me?

THE DOCTOR: Yes. Dare I say it? They've finally come up with a monster that is too cheesy and low-budget for Doctor Who.

ABZORBALOFF: But it was my life's dream to be on Doctor Who.

THE DOCTOR: Well, dreams die, Abzorbaloff. Get out.

ABZORBALOFF: I will have my revenge!

THE DOCTOR: Out!

_ABZORBALOFF exits._

ROSE: Doctor, don't you think that was a little harsh?

THE DOCTOR: Harsh-? Rose, we have standards around here.

ROSE: Standards? Doctor, your archenemies are salt shakers with plungers and whisks for arms. What's next? A creepy kid who makes people disappear?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, silly Rose. That's a Twilight Zone episode.

_POLICEMAN enters._

POLICEMAN: It's horrible! Children disappearing! Everyone's in a panic!

THE DOCTOR: Hey, look! My next adventure. Do you have any leads on this?

POLICEMAN: Well, some people think it's this creepy girl who just moved in. But that would be way too cheesy!

THE DOCTOR: _(to ROSE) _Not a word.

POLICEMAN: Well, I'm off to do some more investigating. Best of luck.

_POLICEMAN exits._

THE DOCTOR: You knew this was going to happen.

ROSE: You're not the only one with inexplicable knowledge, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: Okay, if you know so much, then how do we fix this?

ROSE: We don't have to do anything.

THE DOCTOR: Are you sure?

ROSE: Positive.

THE DOCTOR: Okay, well, let's go, then.

ROSE: Uh, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah?

ROSE: You did carry the torch at the opening ceremony of the Olympics this year, didn't you?

THE DOCTOR: Uh...I have to get to the TARDIS.

_THE DOCTOR dashes off._

ROSE: You know, the Doctor may be a little...off these days, but I still...love him. I hope nothing bad happens to separate us forever.

_ABZORBALOFF enters._

ABZORBALOFF: Yes! Now I will have my revenge on the Doctor...by killing his companion!

_ABSORBALOFF tackles ROSE offstage as she screams._

_THE DOCTOR enters._

THE DOCTOR: Hey, I took care of the torch, Rose! Oh, you should have seen the look on Matt Smith's face...Rose? Rose! She's gone! I never told her, never got the chance to say how much she meant to me...And now I'm alone, once again...All alone in this wide universe...Oh, how will I face the endless, crushing boredom of eternity?

_DONNA enters._

DONNA: Oy! Spaceman!

THE DOCTOR: Well, there goes my BAFTA.


	5. Act I, Scene 4

DONNA: And who are you supposed to be, then?

THE DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. And you are...?

DONNA: Donna Noble, since you asked.

THE DOCTOR: I like you, Donna Noble! What do you say to traveling time and space with me?

DONNA: Hold on...

_DONNA sees something offstage. She gets it. It's ROSE's jacket._

DONNA: And what do you call this?

THE DOCTOR: Uh...It's my friend's.

DONNA: Your friend's? Oh, and I thought you were a nice guy! Is there any chance that this friend is more than just a friend? _(THE DOCTOR is silent) _I knew it! I'm leaving.

THE DOCTOR: Wait! So you don't want to be my companion?

DONNA: No!

THE DOCTOR: Not even in the next series?

DONNA: No!

_DONNA exits._

THE DOCTOR: Well, that was a brash and unexpected happening in my life. Now where was I? Oh, right, in need of a new companion. Someone smart, like Rose...Someone who's strong and independent, but sensitive at the same time...

_MARTHA enters._

MARTHA: Hi there, Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: That works too, I guess. Wait, how did you know my name?

MARTHA: I saw what happened with that ginger. She must've been mad to turn down your offer! But don't worry, now you've got me-I'm Martha Jones, by the way-and can I just say that I can't wait to go on adventures with you! It's going to be so much fun-!

_RTD enters._

RTD: Excuse me, David?

THE DOCTOR: Russell T. Davies! Talk to me.

RTD: I was just talking to the director. We're going to need to speed things up if we're going to make the act break in time.

THE DOCTOR: Okay, no problem. I mean, Martha and I were just about to start on Series Three...

RTD: Well, start thinking about things you can cut.

MARTHA: Wait, why do we have to cut my series?

THE DOCTOR: Don't worry, Martha, we'll only cut things that are superfluous to the plot.

RTD: Yeah, I mean, you still have to mention every story in some capacity. And they have to be more or less in order-those are the requirements.

THE DOCTOR: No problem. Let's see, if we can cut this down to just basically show, and we have that subplot there, and we can cut that, and if we boil this plot down and sort of merge these characters together, then we can essentially, oh, I think we can do the whole thing in about thirty seconds.

MARTHA: What?

RTD: And go!

_RTD bolts offstage._

_NOTE: The following is rapid-fire and should overlap whenever possible._

THE DOCTOR: Martha! Let's go on adventures!

_SHAKESPEARE enters, holding a skull._

SHAKESPEARE: Shakespeare reference!

_WITCH enters and chases him offstage. A second later, a toy cat is pitched across the stage._

_SOUND: Cat screaming._

_DALEK enters._

DALEK: Exterminate!

_DALEK chases MARTHA offstage._

THE DOCTOR: Martha-!

_PROFESSOR LAZARUS, a monster with lots of sharp parts, enters._

PROFESSOR LAZARUS: Raaah, I want to live forever!

THE DOCTOR: _(takes out missile button and presses it) _Reverse the polarity!

PROFESSOR LAZARUS Raaah!

_PROFESSOR LAZARUS keels over offstage._

_MARTHA enters._

SUN PARASITE: _(offstage) _Burn with me!

MARTHA: Aaahh!

THE DOCTOR: _(takes out fob watch) _What's this? Now I'm a human and I am stupid!

_WEEPING ANGEL enters behind them._

MARTHA: Open the watch!

THE DOCTOR: Okay!

_(He opens the watch, then turns and sees the WEEPING ANGEL, who freezes.)_

THE DOCTOR: Don't blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't-

_JACK bounds onstage._

JACK: Heyyy!

_WEEPING ANGEL runs away._

MARTHA: That's right, you better run!

_She pursues the angel offstage._

THE DOCTOR: It's Captain Jack Harkness!

JACK: _(takes a silver wig from his pocket and puts it on, simultaneously throwing off his coat) _Not anymore.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, right, now you're Professor Yana!

THE MASTER: _(throws off wig) _No I am not I am the Mastaaah!

_LUCY SAXON enters and points a gun at THE MASTER._

LUCY SAXON: Dodge this.

_SOUND: Gunshot. THE MASTER falls down dead._

THE DOCTOR: Noooo!

_ASTRID enters, crashing a large cardboard Titanic through the side of the stage._

_SOUND: Crash._

ASTRID: I'm Kylie Minogue!

_(All fall to their knees and do jazz hands.)_

CAST: Tah-daaah!

_All exit except for THE DOCTOR._


	6. Act I, Scene 5

THE DOCTOR: Oh, that was great, you guys, we were all dashing about and there was stuff crashing into other stuff...Guys? I'm alone. Again. What a surprise. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait until my next adventure comes along.

_MISS FOSTER enters, takes center stage, and addresses AUDIENCE._

MISS FOSTER: Hello! My name is Miss Foster, and I'm here to tell you about a revolutionary new diet pill-the Adipose Capsule. Take one a day, and the fat just walks away!

THE DOCTOR: Well, that sounds promising.

_(THE DOCTOR sneaks over and crouches as he watches MISS FOSTER.)_

_As MISS FOSTER is speaking, DONNA sneaks in from the other side and crouches opposite THE DOCTOR._

MISS FOSTER: It's the twenty-first century way to lose weight. No exercise, no diet, no pain. Just lifelong freedom from fat, the Holy Grail of the modern age.

_(At some point as MISS FOSTER is talking, THE DOCTOR and DONNA notice each other. They mouth/pantomime, DONNA thrilled to see THE DOCTOR, THE DOCTOR wanting to know what she's doing here. One of them at some point should indicate an event involving a velociraptor.)_

MISS FOSTER: The Adipose Capsule is composed of a synthesized mobilizing lipase, bound to a large protein molecule. The mobilizing lipase breaks up the triglycerides stored in the adipose cells, which then enter the bloodstream. You take just one capsule-one capsule, once a day, for three weeks. And the fat just... _(notices THE DOCTOR) _Walks... _(notices DONNA) _Am I interrupting something?

THE DOCTOR: Run!

_THE DOCTOR and DONNA exit in opposite directions. MISS FOSTER shrugs and leaves._

_THE DOCTOR and DONNA re-enter._

THE DOCTOR: Donna! How have you been? It's good to see you!

_(Goes to embrace her)_

DONNA: Oy!

THE DOCTOR: Sorry, I thought we were good now.

DONNA: I want to go on adventures. And the best way to do that is to travel with you. But that doesn't mean we have to be friends!

THE DOCTOR: Whatever. I'm desperate.

DONNA: Anyway, where are we now?

THE DOCTOR: We are in Pompeii.

DONNA: Pompeii? The Pompeii that got destroyed by that volcano? Or Pompeii, Texas?

THE DOCTOR: I'm pretty sure it's the volcano one.

DONNA: Well, what are we waiting for? We have to warn everyone!

THE DOCTOR: Sorry, we can't. It's a fixed point in time.

DONNA: What, and you're okay with that?

THE DOCTOR: I don't have much choice, do I? You know, this puts me in mind of the time that I was in Rome. In order to escape Nero's palace, I had to engage in a series of actions that ultimately caused the city to be burned.

DONNA: That was you?

THE DOCTOR: That was me. And that was the day that I learned that I am made of stern stuff and can look upon the destruction of a great city with a cold and indifferent-

_CAECILIUS enters._

CAECILIUS: Oh, it's horrible!

THE DOCTOR

What is?

CAECILIUS: Creatures hiding under the mountain! The soothsayers say they come from another world! But what can we do? Doom! Disaster!

_CAECILIUS exits._

DONNA: Creatures from another world? Did he mean aliens?

THE DOCTOR: Well, he didn't mean the French, did he!

DONNA: But what can we do about it?

THE DOCTOR: I'm afraid there's only one thing for it.

_(Takes out missile button.)_

DONNA: What's that?

THE DOCTOR: Donna, there's something you don't know about me. I can fire a missile by satellite.

DONNA: By satellite?

THE DOCTOR: By satellite. And I can hit a target through a telescope.

DONNA: Through a telescope?

THE DOCTOR: Would you just cut that out? Don't you get it? I have to destroy Pompeii. Twenty thousand people...

DONNA: Oh. But, uh...Don't worry. You said you were made of stern stuff, right?

_(THE DOCTOR covers his face and begins sobbing.)_

DONNA: Okay, how about this? We do it together.

THE DOCTOR: _(sniffing) _I guess that would make it okay.

_(They press the button together.)_

_SOUND: Explosion._

THE DOCTOR: Oh, how much loss can one Time Lord endure...?

_OOD enters._

OOD: Would you care for some tea, sir?

THE DOCTOR: Go away! I'm having a moment.

DONNA: Doctor, what is this thing?

THE DOCTOR: It's an Ood. Basic slave race in the future.

OOD: Is there anything you require?

DONNA: Slave race? Slaves of who?

THE DOCTOR: Humans, mostly.

DONNA: Humans?

THE DOCTOR: It's all right, really. Serving is all they know how to do. _(to OOD) _Go get me a cherry pie, would you?

OOD: Certainly.

_OOD exits._

DONNA: But Doctor, don't you think slavery is wrong?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, Donna. This is Doctor Who. We embrace all lifestyles.

_OOD re-enters with cherry pie._

OOD: Your cherry pie, sir.

THE DOCTOR: Where did you get that?

OOD: I found it.

DONNA: Doctor, I'm not sure I'm okay with this.

THE DOCTOR: Well, what do you want me to do? Take it on adventures with us?

OOD: Adventures? I would like to go on adventures.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, me and my big mouth. Okay, but if we're going to do this, we're going to do it my way.

DONNA: And what's your way?

THE DOCTOR: Basically anything that takes place in present-day London. Allons-y!

_THE DOCTOR, DONNA, and OOD exit._

SONTARAN enters.

SONTARAN: Hello, puny humans! This is an official message from the Sontaran race: We are here to take over your planet. For the glory of Sontar! Sontar-ha! Sontar-ha!

THE DOCTOR: _(offstage) _Not so fast!

SONTARAN: Who said that?

_THE DOCTOR enters._

THE DOCTOR: Team TARDIS '08 is here to stop you! _(strikes a pose) _The Doctor.

_DONNA enters._

DONNA: _(strikes a pose) _And Donna.

_OOD enters._

OOD: I am an Ood.

_(SONTARAN laughs.)_

DONNA: I said this would happen.

THE DOCTOR: It was the Ood's idea!

SONTARAN: Nevertheless, you are powerless to stop me! At this moment, our ship is in orbit above the Earth, ready to deploy glorious Sontaran warriors! Sontar-ha! Sontar-ha! Sontar-

THE DOCTOR: Okay, sorry, could you stop that? I mean, it was funny the first time, not so much anymore.

DONNA: Yeah, and besides, we're going to thwart your invasion!

SONTARAN: Think again, boy! The only way that the Doctor can stop us is to come to our ship and blow it up! But he'll have to kill himself in the process! Sontar-ha! Sontar-

THE DOCTOR: What did I just say?

SONTARAN: Sontar-ha.

_SONTARAN exits._

THE DOCTOR: And once again, the Doctor is placed in a position of impending self-sacrifice. Please collect on your bets at this time.

DONNA: Can't you just hit the ship with a missile?

THE DOCTOR: No, because the spatial conditions would create a hydroform replification.

DONNA: Thought it might be something like that.

OOD: I will do it.

THE DOCTOR: What? No, you don't have to.

OOD: I will do whatever you require.

_OOD exits._

THE DOCTOR: Wow. _(stares after OOD in contemplative silence) _No more cherry pies, I guess.


	7. Act I, Scene 6

_COBB enters._

COBB: You!

THE DOCTOR: Me! Wait, what?

COBB: Don't move!

_(COBB crosses to THE DOCTOR and affixes a sphygmomanometer to his arm)_

THE DOCTOR: Whoa! Wait just a second!

DONNA: Doctor, what is that thing?

THE DOCTOR: I don't know, but whatever it is... _(puts on sunglasses) _I don't think it's about to check my blood pressure.

_SOUND: CSI Miami "Yeeaah!"_

COBB: I'll never understand you pacifist types.

_(Starts working the sphygmomanometer)_

THE DOCTOR: Who are you calling a pacifist? Oww!

DONNA: What is it?

THE DOCTOR: _(in pain) _It's taking a tissue sample, and it's extrapolating it...taking my diploid cells and splitting them into haploid cells in order to create a new, genetically different organism of which I will be the biological mother and father, but which will be primed to be a soldier to fight for the humans of this time-

DONNA: How can you tell all that?

THE DOCTOR: It hurts!

_JENNY enters, smiling and holding a machine gun._

JENNY: Hello, Dad.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, no. Here come the feels.

COBB: Now, girl, you will join us in our fight against the Hath!

DONNA: Wait, she's not joining any fight!

JENNY: Why not?

DONNA:If you're really the Doctor's daughter, you should come with us. _(to THE DOCTOR) _Right, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: Please leave me out of this.

DONNA: And we should call her Jenny!

JENNY: "Jenny." I like that.

COBB:

No! You'll come with me!

JENNY: _(aims gun) _Stay back!

THE DOCTOR: Jenny, no! Don't!

JENNY: Why not?

THE DOCTOR: _(takes sunglasses off; puts his hands on JENNY's shoulders) _Jenny...killing people is very wrong and bad. I should know. I've killed lots of people. You don't want to end up like me, do you? Angsty, moody, susceptible to even the smallest of emotional upsets?

_(COBB pulls out a handgun and shoots JENNY. She collapses. THE DOCTOR sputters for a moment before saying:)_

THE DOCTOR: Not cool!

DONNA: Doctor, what are we going to do?

JENNY: I think I'm dying.

THE DOCTOR: No, you're not dying! Jenny. Stay with me. You're not dying. You're coming with me and Donna, remember?

JENNY: You want me to come with you?

THE DOCTOR: Of course I want you to come with me. In fact... _(gets on one knee) _Jenny... _(takes an engagement ring box out of his pocket and opens it) _Will you marry me?

DONNA: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

COBB: That's just wrong.

THE DOCTOR: I told you, this is Doctor Who. We embrace all lifestyles!

DONNA: But she's your daughter!

THE DOCTOR: _(looks back at JENNY; sees that she's dead) _It doesn't matter, anyway. She's dead now.

COBB: Or is she?

_(THE DOCTOR, DONNA, and COBB look at the AUDIENCE in a creepy way. Then:)_

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is.

COBB: Okay. Well, uh, if you guys don't need me anymore, I have to go, uh, iron my...car.

_COBB exits._

THE DOCTOR: Let's go.

_THE DOCTOR and DONNA exit somberly._

JENNY: _(springing to her feet)_ I've got civilizations to rescue, creatures to defeat, and an awful lot of fans to torture with the fact that I'm still alive! Allons-y!

_She dashes off._

_THE DOCTOR and DONNA re-enter._

THE DOCTOR: I don't understand it. Every time it looks like something good is about to happen to me, everything just goes horribly wrong.

DONNA: I know you're sad about what happened to Jenny, but I'm sure this next adventure is going to be good.

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, it will be, and then it's going to go horribly wrong. Weren't you listening?

_AGATHA CHRISTIE enters._

AGATHA: And who might you two be?

THE DOCTOR: Uh-

AGATHA: Well, you're a bit late for the festivities, but it doesn't matter. Agatha Christie.

THE DOCTOR: Agatha Christie? Oh, you don't know how happy I am to meet you! I'm your biggest fan-I mean, well...I like your books a lot.

DONNA: See, Doctor? Something good!

AGATHA: I should tell you, however, that a blight has come upon our festivities. Professor Peach has just been killed.

THE DOCTOR: Aaand something bad.

AGATHA: Excuse me, I have to see to the other guests.

_AGATHA exits._

DONNA: Doctor, don't you think this is kind of suspicious?

THE DOCTOR: How do you mean?

DONNA: I mean, a murder mystery and Agatha Christie? That would be like if you met Charles Dickens and he was surrounded by ghosts at Christmas.

THE DOCTOR: _(to AUDIENCE) _Heh-heh. Brick joke.

VESPIFORM enters (CASSANDRA-style prop)

VESPIFORM: Bzzzz!

DONNA: Whoa! There's a giant bee.

VESPIFORM: I am a Vezzzzpiform!

THE DOCTOR: And you killed Professor Peach, I'm guessing?

VESPIFORM: That izzzz correct!

DONNA: In the observatory with the candlestick?

THE DOCTOR: Time and a place, Donna!

DONNA: Doctor, what are we going to do?

THE DOCTOR: I know how to handle this. You just keep him talking.

_THE DOCTOR exits._

DONNA: What-?

VESPIFORM: Ha! He hazzzz abandoned you!

DONNA: No he hasn't. He's coming right back.

VESPIFORM: You truzzzzt him?

DONNA: What choice do I have?

_THE DOCTOR runs in, holding a glass of water._

THE DOCTOR: What choice indeed? Ha!

VESPIFORM: Izzzz that multi-grade anti-oil?

THE DOCTOR: Actually, it's just water.

_(splashes the water on VESPIFORM, who starts to shake)_

VESPIFORM: Zzzz-zzzzz!

DONNA: What's happening?

THE DOCTOR: Properties of wet cardboard and washable marker. When you're going on adventures, you have to know these things.

VESPIFORM: Zzzzzzzz!

_ACTOR #1 tosses away the VESPIFORM prop, revealing RIVER SONG._

THE DOCTOR: It's-! Well, who the heck are you?

RIVER: Doctor, what are you talking about? It's me, Professor River Song.

THE DOCTOR: Mmmm...No, not ringing any bells.

RIVER: Doctor... _(touches his face) _Please tell me you know who I am.

THE DOCTOR: Awkwaaard!

DONNA: Doctor! _(pulls him aside) _Don't you think that was a little insensitive? I mean, obviously you're someone important to this woman in the future.

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I got the implication, thanks, Donna. I'm not completely stupid. It's just...I'm not feeling it, you know? Like, she's acting like I'm her boyfriend or something-

RIVER: Husband.

THE DOCTOR: Husband, thank you- _(double take)_ -but I'm not sure I believe it. It's like we don't have any chemistry.

DONNA: Maybe you have chemistry in the future.

THE DOCTOR: Maybe...Maybe.

_LUX enters._

LIX: Professor Song! We figured out how to fix the computer.

RIVER: That's great!

LUX: Unfortunately, someone has to plug their brain into the hard-drive and die. Noes-goes!

_LUX exits._

THE DOCTOR: Oh, who could have predicted that? Not me. I didn't see that one coming a mile away. I guess this is the part where I volunteer to sacrifice myself to save the day.

RIVER: Doctor, I'll do it.

THE DOCTOR

And this is the part where someone else sacrifices themselves in my stead. No. River. Don't.

RIVER: I have to. If you die here, that means I never met you. Goodbye, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: Bye.

_(RIVER grabs him by the lapels and kisses him passionately)_

THE DOCTOR: Nope. Still not feeling it.

RIVER: Fine. I'll see you...earlier.

_RIVER exits._


	8. Act I, Scene 7

THE DOCTOR: I'm glad that's over.

DONNA: She's going to die.

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, and I feel bad about that, really, but trust me, we're better off without her.

DONNA: But wait. She said she knows you in the future.

THE DOCTOR: Well, yeah.

DONNA: Does that mean she's going to be in the next play?

THE DOCTOR: You have got to be kidding me! I try to get one thing-one good thing-out of a bad situation, and it just falls apart in my hands! I can't win, Donna. I can't win.

DONNA: Yes you can.

THE DOCTOR: No. I can't.

DONNA:Look, maybe you just need to take a break from all these adventures. You know, like a vacation.

THE DOCTOR: Vacation? Donna-! I'm the Oncoming Storm! The Time Lord Victorious! I don't do vacations!

DONNA: Come on. What's one place you'd really like to visit?

THE DOCTOR: Well, now that you mention it...I have always wanted to go to the planet Midnight.

_As soon as he says "Midnight," SKY and HOBBES enter carrying three chairs. They arrange them in a line behind THE DOCTOR and DONNA and sit at either end-SKY reading a magazine, HOBBES writing in a notebook._

DONNA: Why? What's there?

THE DOCTOR: The whole planet's made of precious stones. There's a sapphire waterfall. And a five-star resort.

DONNA: Good! I'll go to the resort, _(points)_ and you can go with these nice people to the waterfall.

THE DOCTOR: Okay. Well...

DONNA: See you.

_(Quick, slightly awkward hug.)_

_DONNA exits._

THE DOCTOR: _(sits between SKY and HOBBES) _Well, this'll be fun. I'm taking a space truck with two complete strangers across a planet called Midnight. What could possibly go wrong?

SKY: Well, this'll be fun. I'm taking a space truck with two complete strangers across a planet called Midnight. What could possibly go wrong?

THE DOCTOR: I couldn't agree more.

SKY: I couldn't agree more.

THE DOCTOR: That's what I said.

SKY: That's what I said.

THE DOCTOR: Hey, stop copying me!

SKY: Hey, stop copying me!

HOBBES: Both of you, stop it!

SKY: Both of you, stop it!

THE DOCTOR: This is unbelievable./And here I was just starting to think that maybe I could have a normal, relaxing vacation without anything going wrong. Now I'm stuck with some woman who likes to play copycat and-

SKY: _(starts at /, then talks faster until she's speaking simultaneously with THE DOCTOR)_ This is unbelievable. And here I was just starting to think that maybe I could have a normal, relaxing vacation without anything going wrong. Now I'm stuck with some woman who likes to play copycat and-

_(THE DOCTOR looks at SKY.)_

THE DOCTOR & SKY Are you-? Okay, now I'm not mad anymore. That's actually kind of impressive.

HOBBES & SKY: What's happening?

THE DOCTOR & SKY: Well, let me think. First she was copying us, now she's speaking at the same time as us. The next step might be becoming us. Either that, or she's just a very persistent annoyance.

HOBBES: What should we do-? Hold on.

THE DOCTOR & SKY: She stopped-wait. She's still copying me.

HOBBES: But not me?

THE DOCTOR & SKY: No. And if it's not too self-centered of me, I'm going to chalk that up to the fact that the universe doesn't have a personal vendetta against you like it does me. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

SKY: I can't win.

THE DOCTOR: I can't win.

HOBBES: What's going on here?

SKY: Now he's copying me.

THE DOCTOR: (actually just copying to be annoying) Now he's copying me.

SKY: Cut it out!

THE DOCTOR: Cut it out!

HOBBES: Hm! Now you're getting a taste of your own medicine.

SKY: _(voiceover) _At least I'm safe inside my mind.

THE DOCTOR: _(voiceover) _At least I'm safe inside my mind.

THE DOCTOR & SKY: Aaaahhh-!

HOBBES: Oh, look, we're at the waterfall!

_THE DOCTOR, HOBBES, and SKY carry their chairs offstage and exit._

_DONNA enters._

DONNA: Mm, that was the best spa I've ever been to. Although it is kind of hard to relax knowing that the sun outside could fry you to a crisp. I hope the Doctor's okay.

_JACK enters, looking harried._

JACK: This is bad, this is really bad. I've got to find him-! _(sees Donna) _Why, hello there. _(swaggers over and offers a handshake, then stops) _Wait-no! I can't be doing this. We're wasting time!

DONNA: No we're not.

JACK: Listen, I'm looking for a guy called the Doctor. Short hair, leather jacket, possibly carrying a banana?

DONNA: That doesn't sound like the Doctor.

JACK: Then it's true.

DONNA: What?

JACK: Look, I've got to go. But when you see the Doctor, give him this message from me. Tell him: "Bad Wolf."

DONNA: Wait! Who should I say it's from?

JACK: He'll know.

_JACK exits._

DONNA: Or maybe you could just tell me!

_THE DOCTOR enters._

DONNA: Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Donna! Oh, you should have seen the sapphire waterfall; it was amazing.

DONNA: And nothing went horribly wrong?

THE DOCTOR: Well, there was this woman who wouldn't quit copying me. I don't know what that was about. Anyway, what have you been up to?

DONNA: Well, actually...there was a guy here looking for you.

THE DOCTOR: Really?

DONNA: Yeah, but it was weird. He was talking about you wearing a leather jacket or something.

THE DOCTOR: What did he look like?

DONNA: Well, he was very handsome. Oh, and he was wearing a coat-it was sort of a World War II look.

THE DOCTOR: What was his name?

DONNA: He didn't say. But he told me to give you a message.

THE DOCTOR: What message?

DONNA: "Bad Wolf."

THE DOCTOR: What? Oh, no...Oh, no...No, no, no, no...!

DONNA: What is it, Doctor? What's "Bad Wolf?"

THE DOCTOR: It's the name of the last play.

_End Act I._


	9. Act II, Scene 1

_Lights come up. THE DOCTOR and DONNA are onstage._

THE DOCTOR: Hi, and welcome to Act II of "Allons-y!" I'm the Doctor.

DONNA: And I'm Donna.

THE DOCTOR: Now, during the intermission, Donna and I were talking about the specifics of what happened to her.

DONNA: So I met Captain Jack Harkness?

THE DOCTOR: Yes.

DONNA: But the version of him that was-

THE DOCTOR: In the last play, yes. Which can only mean one thing: The plays are leaking.

DONNA: Leaking?

THE DOCTOR: "Bad Wolf" and "Allons-y" are collapsing in on each other. Characters from either play and from any scene could crop up at any moment. Which could be very bad news for me.

DONNA: Look, Doctor, I get that this is bad. But Captain Jack is coming back. That's good, isn't it?

THE DOCTOR: _(sarcastic) _Yeah.

_THE DOCTOR exits. DONNA is about to follow him when 9TH DOCTOR enters from the opposite side._

9th doctor: Stop.

DONNA: And who do you think you are-? Wait. Short hair, leather jacket? You must be...

9TH DOCTOR: The 9th Doctor. The one from the last play.

DONNA: What are you doing here?

9TH DOCTOR: I'm not sure. One second I was regenerating; the next, I was in this play. And once I saw that fop who replaced me, I realized what I had to do.

DONNA: Kill the Doctor, I'm guessing?

9TH DOCTOR: I am the Doctor. And you're coming with me.

DONNA: Think again. I'm Donna Noble-I'm not scared of anything.

EMPTY CHILD: _(offstage) _Are you my mummy?

_DONNA turns as EMPTY CHILD enters._

EMPTY CHILD

Mummy...

DONNA: Aahhh! What is that thing?

9TH DOCTOR: Gas mask zombie. They scare the Charles Dickens out of me...but since they're basically mindless creatures, it turns out that they're easy to control.

EMPTY CHILD: Mummy?

9TH DOCTOR: Now move.

_EMPTY CHILD herds DONNA offstage. 9TH DOCTOR follows._

_THE DOCTOR enters, looking around._

THE DOCTOR: Okay, keep a clear head...Just got to keep an eye out for anything strange, anything out of place...Anything that just seems wrong...

_JACK runs onstage._

JACK: Hey, I'm looking for-

THE DOCTOR: Captain Jack Harkness!

JACK: Doctor, is that you?

THE DOCTOR: Yes, it's me. What's happening?

JACK: The walls of the plays are collapsing. Your other self-he's here. He wants to kill you.

THE DOCTOR: Yes, I was afraid of that.

JACK: It's okay. We just have to find Rose and-

THE DOCTOR: Rose! Where is she? Have you seen her?

JACK: Well, no, but I thought she'd be with you.

THE DOCTOR: Jack, there's something I have to tell you. I lost Rose. She might be dead.

JACK: _(looks offstage) _Well, why don't you try telling her that?

THE DOCTOR turns around to see ROSE enter.

THE DOCTOR: Rose!

_SOUND: "Chariots of Fire" as THE DOCTOR and ROSE run to each other in slow motion. Then, just as they're about to embrace, DALEK enters._

DALEK: Exterminate!

_(Lights flash and THE DOCTOR does a spectacular mid-air barrel roll before falling to the ground. ROSE and JACK run to him. DALEK also approaches.)_

ROSE: Doctor! Oh, no, don't die...

THE DOCTOR: Don't worry, Rose...there is one thing I can do...but it means that every cell in my body is going to change...

ROSE: Doctor, we've been through this before.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, yeah.

_(THE DOCTOR suddenly throws his head and arms back and starts shaking as lights flash.)_

ROSE: Oh, no!

JACK: He's regenerating!

ROSE: What's going to happen to him?

JACK: What will he look like?

ROSE: Will he still care about us?

JACK: Why are we asking each other all these questions?!


	10. Act II, Scene 2

THE DOCTOR: Kamehameha!

_(THE DOCTOR points his head and hands towards something offstage. Lights pulse violently, then stop.)_

ROSE: What just happened?

THE DOCTOR: I'll show you.

_THE DOCTOR goes offstage for a moment, then returns with his severed hand in a jar._

ROSE: What's that?

THE DOCTOR: It's a hand in a jar.

JACK: She hasn't changed a bit, has she?

THE DOCTOR: See, I was able to siphon the excess regeneration energy because this is actually my hand. It got cut off in a duel one time, and I grew another one.

ROSE:When did that happen?

THE DOCTOR: Look, we're in a crisis here-I don't have time to explain everything. Although there is one thing that I really need to know. _(hugs ROSE) _What happened to you? I thought you were dead.

ROSE: So did I. The Abzorbaloff got me.

THE DOCTOR: The Abzorbaloff!

ROSE: But I guess that was when the play started breaking up, because the next thing I knew, I was here.

THE DOCTOR: Space-time breakage. It's a two-edged sword. Hey, what's up with the Dalek?

ROSE: Doctor, this is the Dalek that went on adventures with us in the last play. Remember?

THE DOCTOR: Great. Now we've got a Dalek problem on top of everything else.

ROSE: I was hoping he could come with us.

THE DOCTOR: Uh, Rose? Can I speak to you for a second? _(he takes ROSE aside)_ Need I remind you that this is the Dalek that nearly killed me in the last play? If it wasn't for him, I would still be my old, carefree self.

ROSE: Who kills people. Besides, he hasn't done that yet. You can't judge someone for something they haven't done.

THE DOCTOR: But he just shot me!

ROSE: You're still alive, aren't you? Look, Doctor. I knew you back when your solution to everything happened at the point of a gun. But that's not who you are now. And if I know you, you'll want to make this Dalek better.

THE DOCTOR: _(affectionate) _You twist my arm. All right, introducing the new Team TARDIS '08! _(strikes a pose) _The Doctor.

ROSE: _(strikes a pose)_ Rose Tyler.

JACK: _(strikes a pose) _Captain Jack Harkness.

DALEK: And a Dalek.

THE DOCTOR: And Donna...wherever she's got to!

_All exit._

_DONNA enters, looking around._

DONNA: Where am I?

9TH DOCTOR: _(offstage) _The place where it all starts.

_9TH DOCTOR enters._

9TH DOCTOR: I take you back, Donna Noble, to the year 1965. The Daleks needed to divide and conquer the Doctor's companions. What did they do?

DONNA: I'm sorry, I haven't watched the classic series.

9TH DOCTOR: They built a robot version of him! And that's exactly what I plan to do-except I'm going to take it a step further. I'm going to make an exact genetic copy of this new Doctor, only with a dash of evil so he'll do my bidding! Oh, but if only I had the Doctor's biological code...Oh, wait! I do! _(reaches offstage and picks up hand in a jar) _I've got his hand! _(DONNA shrieks) _Turns out my future self was in such a hurry to defeat me that he left his TARDIS unguarded. And now that I've got this, there's nothing that can stop me.

_(Sets hand down in the middle of the stage)_

DONNA: But why would you want to kill your own future self?

9TH DOCTOR: Why would I want to kill my future self? Do you know what it's like to try to give people a solid, traditional Doctor, only to be replaced by some young guy who snogs every woman who gets within a certain radius?

DONNA: Can't say that I do.

9TH DOCTOR: Well, never mind. But this isn't about killing him-it's about saving Doctor Who!

_EMPTY CHILD enters._

EMPTY CHILD: Are you my mummy?

9TH DOCTOR: Not now!

_9TH DOCTOR and EMPTY CHILD exit._

DONNA: _(picks up hand) _Just when I thought I'd seen everything...

_(Suddenly, lights begin pulsing slowly. DONNA drops the hand, which rolls offstage. She watches after it in horrified fascination.)_

DONNA: Doctor?

_METACRISIS DOCTOR bounds onstage, wearing nothing but polka-dotted boxer shorts and a mustache._

METACRISIS DOCTOR: Oh yes!

DONNA: You're naked!

METACRISIS DOCTOR: Or the low PG version thereof.

_(METACRISIS DOCTOR picks up an outfit folded just offstage. He gets dressed as he and DONNA talk.)_

DONNA: What happened?

METACRISIS DOCTOR: It's simple. When you touched the new Doctor's severed hand, it sparked a biological metacrisis. I'm half him, half you, half whatever the old Doctor put in me.

DONNA: That's three halves.

METACRISIS DOCTOR: And that's the thing you're choosing to be confused about?

DONNA: But wait. Does that mean you're evil, or is there enough of me and the Doctor in you to make you, you know...?

_(METACRISIS DOCTOR bursts out laughing)_

DONNA: Wild card. Got it.

_9TH DOCTOR enters._

9TH DOCTOR: Metacrisis Doctor, are you ready?

METACRISIS DOCTOR: Yep! Oh, one other thing. Be advised, Donna: that was a two-way metacrisis.

_METACRISIS DOCTOR exits._

DONNA: Wait. I still don't understand why you need me.

9TH DOCTOR: Isn't it obvious? I can't send him out masquerading as the Doctor if the Doctor's still hanging around with his companions. So I'm going to bring the real Doctor here.

_(9TH DOCTOR takes a wand out of his pocket and touches it to his throat)_

9TH DOCTOR: Doctor. It's me. I have your companion. If you want to get her, come to the abandoned warehouse near the Torchwood Institute. Come alone.

DONNA: Did you just-?

9TH DOCTOR: This is Doctor Who. We like to borrow things from Harry Potter.

_9TH DOCTOR and DONNA exit._


	11. Act II, Scene 3

_ROSE, JACK, and DALEK enter._

JACK: You know what the Doctor's problem is? He's too good.

ROSE: I don't fault him for going to save Donna. You saw the look on his face.

JACK: Well, I guess, but in general. Why can't he do the wrong thing once in a while?

DALEK: He would make a good Dalek.

JACK: That's what I'm saying. I mean, why can't he rebel? Break the rules? Grow a little facial hair?

_METACRISIS DOCTOR enters._

METACRISIS DOCTOR: Hey, guys!

JACK: Well, that's a step in the right direction.

ROSE: Doctor, what happened? Where's Donna?

METACRISIS DOCTOR: Oh, I found her. But she, uh...Well, she decided to go home.

ROSE: Just like that?

METACRISIS DOCTOR: Yeah, I mean, she's got her family to think about. Personally, I ain't bovvered.

ROSE: What?

METACRISIS DOCTOR: I said, I ain't...

JACK: Wait. People don't just change their speech patterns for no reason.

METACRISIS DOCTOR: What are you saying?

JACK: I'm saying I don't think you're really the Doctor.

METACRISIS DOCTOR: Oy! Watch it, future boy! _(claps hand over mouth)_

ROSE: Doctor? Is there something you'd like to tell us?

METACRISIS DOCTOR: Okay. I'm not really the Doctor. But he's in trouble. That previous Doctor set it up-it was all a trap!

ROSE: We have to save him!

DALEK: Exterminate! Exterminate!

_ROSE and DALEK exit. JACK hangs back._

JACK: Wait. Other Doctor, are you coming?

METACRISIS DOCTOR: No, I don't think so. I have a lot to learn about myself-I still don't know for sure whether I'm good or evil. Maybe I should start building a life for myself. You know, become an actor or something like that. I could set up right here in the UK. Grow a beard to go with my mustache, even.

JACK: Fair enough. Good luck.

_They exit in opposite directions._

_THE DOCTOR enters._

THE DOCTOR: Okay, here goes. I'm going to find Donna, defeat my past self, close the cracks between the plays, and make it back home without losing anyone. And that's never going to happen, is it?

_DONNA enters._

DONNA: Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Donna!

DONNA: Doctor, wait! It's a trap!

_9TH DOCTOR enters._

9TH DOCTOR: Thank you, Admiral Ackbar. So, Doctor. Or should I say...

THE DOCTOR: Wait. I want you to think about this.

9TH DOCTOR: What is there to think about? You took my life from me! You ruined Doctor Who!

THE DOCTOR: I didn't ruin it. I changed it. That's what Doctor Who is about-change! And you're going to try and stop that change by killing me? You can be better than this. Trust me, I know.

DALEK enters.

DALEK: Exterminate! Exterminate!

9TH DOCTOR: What's that thing doing here?

THE DOCTOR: He's one of my companions.

9TH DOCTOR: But he's a Dalek!

THE DOCTOR: I know, and another one of my companions is Captain Jack. But that's who I am now. I make people better.

9TH DOCTOR: Hmm. That's deep.

DALEK: The former Doctor's plan has failed!

9TH DOCTOR: What?

DALEK: The clone Doctor was unable to complete his mission!

9TH DOCTOR: No!

THE DOCTOR: Wait, what happened?

DALEK: He said he was not bovvered.

DONNA: Oh...I think that's my fault. Meta-crisis.

THE DOCTOR: Ah.

9TH DOCTOR: So what am I supposed to do?

THE DOCTOR: Go back to your play.

9TH DOCTOR: But I was about to die!

DALEK: The former Doctor will be exterminated!

THE DOCTOR: Maybe it was time.

9TH DOCTOR: Will you be able to say the same thing when it's your turn to die?

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I will.

9TH DOCTOR: Fair enough. I'll be seeing you.

9TH DOCTOR exits.

THE DOCTOR: Okay, where does that leave us? And where are Rose and Jack?

DALEK: Rose went to help the clone Doctor become good and Jack returned to his own play!

THE DOCTOR: So we're down to you and Donna, then?

DALEK: I must leave as well.

THE DOCTOR: Why? What are you going to do?

DALEK: It is my life's dream to market my own line of beauty products.

_(THE DOCTOR looks at the AUDIENCE like "What?")_

THE DOCTOR: Fair enough.

DALEK: Exfoliate! Exfoliate!

_DALEK exits._

THE DOCTOR: Well, I guess that just leaves you and me.

DONNA: Yep. You and me, alone in the wide universe...Nowhere to go...Nowhere to belong...

THE DOCTOR: Donna, what is it?

DONNA: That other you. He said it was a two-way metacrisis.

THE DOCTOR: Oh no.

DONNA: I feel so alone! So wracked with emotions! How will I face this, day after day?

THE DOCTOR: _(touches her temples) _You don't have to.

DONNA: No. No-!

_(She faints. THE DOCTOR catches her.)_

_WILF enters._

WILF: Donna?

THE DOCTOR: Uh, this isn't what it looks like-

WILF: You must be the Doctor! That wonderful man my granddaughter's been traveling with! I'm Wilf. _(looks at DONNA) _Is she all right?

THE DOCTOR: She will be. But do us a favor and never mention me in her presence.

WILF: Why?

THE DOCTOR: Because if you do, her mind will burn and she will die.

WILF: Are you sure she won't just pass out or something?

THE DOCTOR: I really don't know. But I'm not taking any chances.

WILF: You can count on me, Doctor.

_WILF helps DONNA offstage._

DONNA _(waking up) _Where am I?

THE DOCTOR: Well, here I am, alone once again. I had all my friends with me, and they left, one by one. Why must it always end this way? Me, alone onstage without any-?

_JACKSON LAKE enters._

JACKSON LAKE: Hello! I'm the Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: I'm not going to get a BAFTA today, am I?


	12. Act II, Scene 4

THE DOCTOR: Excuse me a minute, whoever you are-I have to check something.

JACKSON LAKE: I just told you. I'm the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: _(knocks on walls) _The walls of the play seem to be coming back together. That's good. For a second there I thought we were going to have to-I'm sorry, you're who?

JACKSON LAKE: I'm the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: Um...okay. And how did you arrive at that conclusion?

JACKSON LAKE: I'm a man from another world. I once fought in a great and terrible war, and my people were destroyed.

THE DOCTOR: I know that feel, bro. Wait a minute-no. This isn't right. Something's not right, and I don't like it.

JACKSON LAKE: Someone who likes to solve mysteries, eh? I'm the same way.

THE DOCTOR: Yes, I never thought we'd have that in common. Doctor.

JACKSON LAKE: I've got a mystery that needs solving, myself. I know! You could be my companion!

THE DOCTOR: What-? Why, yes, Doctor. I would love to be your companion.

JACKSON LAKE: Excellent. Now, I'm investigating the recent disappearance of a man named Jackson Lake.

THE DOCTOR: And what do you know?

JACKSON LAKE:I don't know anything. His house was completely abandoned. No locks were forced-no sign of a struggle.

THE DOCTOR: So maybe nothing bad happened to him.

JACKSON LAKE: Right, but we have to-

THE DOCTOR: So he could still be around here somewhere. Right here among us...Right here in this very room.

JACKSON LAKE: Jackson?

_MISS HARTIGAN enters._

MISS HARTIGAN: Hello, gentlemen.

THE DOCTOR: Who's that?

JACKSON LAKE: Miss Hartigan. Local creepy woman.

MISS HARTIGAN: Say what you like. I know all about you men. Men with cold hearts...hearts of steel, you might stay...men made of steel...metal men... _(blinks) _Anyway, I've got some important things to attend to. Gentlemen.

_MISS HARTIGAN exits._

JACKSON LAKE: I think she was trying to tell us something.

THE DOCTOR: Metal men? _(gasps) _Cybermen! They're these robot things-a human brain in a metal casing!

JACKSON LAKE: The Cybermen, of course! But how do you know about them?

THE DOCTOR: Uh, Doctor...There's something I need to tell you...

_CYBERMAN enters._

CYBERMAN: I am a Cyberman!

THE DOCTOR: Cyberman! Oh, this is bad. Where there's one, there could be more. But how do we stop them?

JACKSON LAKE: I remember this!

THE DOCTOR: Not now, fake Doctor!

JACKSON LAKE: That thing took my son away...and I was so upset that I forgot who I was!

THE DOCTOR: What?

JACKSON LAKE: I am Jackson Lake!

THE DOCTOR: You are Jackson Lake?

CYBERMAN: I did not see that coming!

THE DOCTOR: Look, Jackson. You may not be a Time Lord, or have been in any wars, or anything like that. But you can still help me defeat these Cybermen!

JACKSON LAKE: Yes, I know.

THE DOCTOR: You know?

JACKSON LAKE: Doctor, there's something you don't know about me.

_(He takes a bulky, stand-alone wooden switch out of his pocket-the steampunk version of THE DOCTOR's missile button.)_

JACKSON LAKE: I can fire a missile by satellite.

THE DOCTOR: What?

JACKSON LAKE: By satellite.

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I heard you the first time. But no, you can't! You're not the Doctor, remember?

JACKSON LAKE: But you said I didn't have to be the Doctor to defeat the Cybermen!

THE DOCTOR: Oh, come on, I was lying, I lie all the time! No one but me has that kind of awesomeness!

JACKSON LAKE: Well, I may not be as awesome as you. Or as smart. Or have as many fangirls. But I just wanna do this!

_(Throws the switch dramatically. Lights flash.)_

_SOUND: Explosion._

CYBERMAN: Nnnnoooooo!

_Cyberman staggers backwards offstage._

JACKSON LAKE: That ought to do the trick.

THE DOCTOR: How does that thing work?

JACKSON LAKE: It's not important. The real question is, once I get my son back, will you join us for dinner?

THE DOCTOR: Sorry, no.

JACKSON LAKE: Why not?

THE DOCTOR: Well, because us emotional wrecks don't do the whole sit-down-to-dinner thing. But seriously, steampunk missiles?

_FREDERIC enters (played by female)._

JACKSON LAKE: Frederic! My son!

THE DOCTOR: That's your son?

JACKSON LAKE: Yes! Doctor, Frederic. Frederic, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: But...he's...a girl.

JACKSON LAKE: Oh, Doctor. Women traditionally played children in the Victorian theater! Come, Frederic! We go to dinner.

_JACKSON LAKE and FREDERIC stroll off, leaving THE DOCTOR staring slack-jawed after them._


	13. Act II, Scene 5

THE DOCTOR: Okay, I think we may have reached the point where things can't get any weirder.

_(Substantial pause. THE DOCTOR clears his throat, then calls offstage:)_

THE DOCTOR: I said, I don't think things can get any weirder-!

_A rolled-up scroll, tied with a ribbon, is pitched across the stage and hits THE DOCTOR in the back of the head._

THE DOCTOR: Ow! Hey, what's this? _(picks up scroll) _It's a message. Let's see what it says. _(reads) _"Dear Doctor. If my calculations are correct, you will receive this message immediately after you saw the Delorean struck by lighting. Just kidding, it's Russell T. Davies." Heh. "You have done well thus far in your run as the Doctor." Of course. "However...your darkest hours are yet to come?! You will face flies from space, water monsters from space, and a man with a hoodie. Also from space. And soon...you'll have to change your face? And another man will take your place?!" _(crumples letter and throws it offstage) _That traitor. What is he talking about, take my place? I'm the best Doctor! Nobody shows me up!

_CHRISTINA enters._

CHRISTINA: Hello, handsome.

THE DOCTOR: Wha-?

CHRISTINA: There's no time to explain. _(grabs his hand) _Run!

THE DOCTOR: Okay, this is different!

_They run offstage._

_BUS DRIVER enters with steering wheel and chair. He sits and starts "driving."_

_THE DOCTOR and CHRISTINA enter and stop behind the driver, out of breath._

CHRISTINA: We made it.

THE DOCTOR: What do you mean? Made it from what? Would you please explain to me what's going on?

CHRISTINA: I'm a cat burglar.

THE DOCTOR: What?

CHRISTINA: I'm on the run from the police.

THE DOCTOR: What?

CHRISTINA: I stole from a museum.

THE DOCTOR: What?

CHRISTINA: And I killed seven men.

THE DOCTOR: What?

CHRISTINA: No, not really, I just like hearing you say "What?"

_(She starts going through her bag)_

THE DOCTOR: Oh, I see what's going on here. It's like you're the Doctor, which is me-

CHRISTINA: Charmed. I'm Lady Christina.

THE DOCTOR: And I'm the moon-eyed companion who doesn't have a clue what's going on.

_SOUND: Ding._

THE DOCTOR: What was that?

CHRISTINA: _(pulls a homemade electronic device from her bag) _It's my timey-wimey detector. Goes ding when there's stuff. Hold it for me, would you?

_(Hands timey-wimey detector to THE DOCTOR)_

THE DOCTOR: You have got to be kidding me.

CHRISTINA: And here's the thing I stole.

_(She lifts a large tub of yellow Play-Doh out of her bag)_

CHRISTINA: Gold, Doctor-pure gold.

THE DOCTOR: Looks a heckuvah lot like Play-Doh to me.

CHRISTINA: Gold is malleable.

THE DOCTOR: That makes more sense than almost anything that's happened today.

_SOUND: Ding ding ding ding ding!_

CHRISTINA: Uh-oh!

THE DOCTOR: What?

CHRISTINA: _(puts her hands over his)_

Hold on!

THE DOCTOR & CHRISTINA: Aaaaahhhh!

DRIVER: _(shrugs and joins in) _Aaaahhh!

_Lights go to black, then fade up. DRIVER is unconscious in his seat._

THE DOCTOR: What happened...? _(notices DRIVER)_

Uh, sir?

CHRISTINA: Is he...You know...?

_(Checks DRIVER's pulse in neck. Then wrist. Then listens for breathing. Then opens one of his eyelids and waves his hand in front of his face. Finally:)_

THE DOCTOR: Yep. He's dead.

CHRISTINA: Right, then. We should, uh...do something.

_(They look at each other for a moment.)_

_THE DOCTOR and CHRISTINA pick DRIVER up by his arms and legs and carry him offstage, then let him fall with an audible thud._

_They re-enter._

CHRISTINA: Okay, that takes care of that problem. Now, where are we?

THE DOCTOR: Well, it's a good thing you have me around. _(licks his finger and sticks it in the air, not noticing that CHRISTINA is doing the same behind him) _We're on-

CHRISTINA: San Helios, in the Scorpion Nebula. Post-apocalyptic, I'd say.

THE DOCTOR: How did you do that?

CHRISTINA: I'm clever.

THE DOCTOR: _(moving chair offstage): _Well, isn't that peachy. I've got a companion who's not a companion who knows more about space than me, and we're stranded on an alien planet without the TARDIS.

CHRISTINA: What's the TARDIS?

THE DOCTOR: _(sarcastic) _I don't know; you tell me.

_FLIES enter. (Done in the style of Charlie the Unicorn.)_

FLY #1: Doctor!

FLY: #2: Doooctooor!

THE DOCTOR: Whoa! Stay back!

CHRISTINA: Aw, you're scared of a couple of fly aliens?

FLY #1: What if we were scared of you, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: It's not the flies I'm scared from, it's what the flies represent!

CHRISTINA: Oh? And what do they represent?

FLY #1: Tell us, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: I was recently told that I'm going to die soon. And that before that, I would encounter flies from space. These things are a sign of my impending death!

FLY #1: Death!

FLY #2: Deeaath!

THE DOCTOR: Thank you, that's not actually helping.

CHRISTINA: Oh, I think I see what this is all about.

THE DOCTOR: You do?

CHRISTINA: Yes. You're about to die, and you're afraid that you're going to go not with a bang, but with a-

THE DOCTOR: Don't even say it, that line's been done to death a million times over!

CHRISTINA: The point is, you think I'm stealing your thunder, and you don't want to die on that note. Is that it?

THE DOCTOR: Yes.

CHRISTINA: Well, whatever I am doesn't affect what you are. And I don't even know how to get us off this planet. So if you want to make sure that you're remembered as a great man, then do it by getting us home!

THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry, I need a moment. That was beautiful. Okay. Fly boys, what do we know?

FLY #1: This planet has been destroyed by the Manta Rays!

FLY #2: The Manta Rays, Doctor!

FLY #1: And soon they'll do the same thing to Earth!

THE DOCTOR: Okay, and how do these...Manta Rays operate?

FLY #1: The Manta Rays fly around and around a planet.

FLY #2: _(runs in circles) _Around and around!

FLY #1:They destroy the planet and open up a wormhole that takes them to a new one!

FLY #2: It's a never-ending cycle!

FLY #1: A never-ending cycle, Doctor!

FLY #2: You have to save us, Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Okay, okay! Just let me think.

CHRISTINA: Let's take stock of our resources. _(going through bag) _I've got a hammer, a spade, a rope and winch that's very useful for climbing down shafts-

THE DOCTOR: Christina, please, helpful things only!

CHRISTINA: And there's the timey-wimey detector.

THE DOCTOR: No, I can't do anything with that, it's too small. Although I suppose I could extrapolate the mainframe and reinvert the spatial waveform matrix-

CHRISTINA: Does that actually mean anything, or are you just saying the first words that pop into your head?

THE DOCTOR: But I'd need to fuse some of the parts together, like if there was a metal that was soft and malleable, something I could-

CHRISTINA: _(holding Play-Doh gold) _Like gold?

FLY #1: Gold, Doctor!

FLY #2: Gooold!

THE DOCTOR: I couldn't have put it better myself.

_(THE DOCTOR starts molding the gold to the timey-wimey detector.)_

FLY #1: Doctor...Dooctoor...Doooctooor...Dooooctoooor...

THE DOCTOR: What?!

FLY #1: You're going to fix the wormhole, Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Okay, that should do it. Everyone hold on tight!

_(Everyone hangs onto the timey-wimey detector.)_

CAST: Aaaaahhhh!

_Lights go black, then fade up._

FLY #1 & FLY #2: We're home!

FLY #1: You did it, Doctor! You fixed the wormhole! Now you can take us on adventures!

FLY #2: Adventures!

THE DOCTOR: Yeah...I'm not so sure about that.

FLY #1 & FLY #2: Whaaat?

FLY #1: Why not? I thought you liked us, Doctor!

FLY #2: Yeah, Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Look, it's just...no offense, but I just don't want to travel with signs of my impending death. It's kind of a downer.

FLY #1: The Doctor's argument is sound. We should go.

FLY #2: Fly awaaay!

_FLIES exit._

THE DOCTOR: Phew! I'm glad that's over.

CHRISTINA: Thing is, though, Doctor, I'm not a sign of your impending death. What do you say? Want to go on adventures?

THE DOCTOR: No.

CHRISTINA: No? Why?

THE DOCTOR: You may not be a sign of my impending death, but I'm a sign of yours. If you travel with me, there's a good chance that you'll either die or have your life ruined in some way.

CHRISTINA: I don't care.

THE DOCTOR: But I do! I am this close _(indicates with fingers how close he is) _to needing grief therapy and I don't need to lose anyone else, okay?

CHRISTINA: Okay. _(starts to leave, then turns around) _How many of your companions have actually died?

THE DOCTOR: Please go.

CHRISTINA: Okay.

_CHRISTINA exits._


	14. Act II, Scene 6

THE DOCTOR: Okay, now back to the real problem: How to stop my impending death? _(thinks) _I've got it! Russel T. Davies said I would fight water monsters next, so I can't die if I don't fight any water monsters!

_ADELAIDE BROOKE runs in._

BROOKE: Help! Water monsters!

THE DOCTOR: Oh, give me a break! Wait a minute. Who are you?

BROOKE: I'm Captain Adelaide Brooke. _(holds out hand)_

THE DOCTOR: Wait. **The** Captain Adelaide Brooke? _(to himself) _Oh, no. I have to-but I can't-it's a fixed point-what can I-? _(notices BROOKE's hand; shakes it) _It's an honor to meet you.

BROOKE: Thank you.

THE DOCTOR: Now, what's this about water monsters?

_WATER MONSTERS enter. They are dressed as thugs and carry plastic water bottles which they occasionally swig from._

WATER MONSTER #1: Yeah!

WATER MONSTER #2: We're the Water Monsters!

THE DOCTOR: Uh, context?

BROOKE: The Water Monsters. They're a rap duo that just showed up and have been causing all kinds of trouble.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, well, that's good. Because I was worried that I'd be facing, like, actual water monsters from space.

WATER MONSTER #1: And we're from space!

THE DOCTOR: Of course you are. _(to BROOKE) _But look, you're Captain Adelaide Brooke. Surely you can oust a couple of unruly rappers?

WATER MONSTER #1: _(draws gun): _We're gonna kill everyone on this planet!

WATER MONSTER #2: _(draws knife) _Yeah!

THE DOCTOR: Well, that escalated quickly.

BROOKE: Is there anything we can do, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: Sorry, no. This a fixed point in time.

BROOKE: What does that mean?

THE DOCTOR: Millions of people have been asking themselves that for years. But the upshot is that if you don't die here, history changes.

BROOKE: Okay. I can accept that.

THE DOCTOR: _(to himself) _What bravery...She can accept her own death without so much as...Wait a minute! _(to WATER MONSTERS) _If I helped you guys out with your music, would you go away?

WATER MONSTER #1: How would you do that?

THE DOCTOR: I could lay down some backing vocals for you. I'm a very good singer.

WATER MONSTER #2: When would you do that?

THE DOCTOR: Later. Maybe much later. But I will do it.

WATER MONSTER #1: Works for me.

WATER MONSTER #2: Yeah, same here!

_WATER MONSTERS exit._

BROOKE: What have you done?

THE DOCTOR: Okay, so Adelaide doesn't get killed by a couple of rowdy rappers on Mars. So what? The point is, I now know that I have the power to rewrite history!

BROOKE: But no one should have that kind of power!

THE DOCTOR: Uh, am I bovvered?

_BROOKE exits._

THE DOCTOR: I don't know why you're so upset. I mean, I just saved your life. I may be a power-tripper, but at least I saved your-

_SOUND: Gunshot._

THE DOCTOR: Uh, Captain Brooke? _(a beat) _Don't you think maybe you're overreacting?


	15. Act II, Scene 7

THE DOCTOR: All alone...with my impending death. Now, let's see. There were the space flies...and the water monsters...and...the walls will ooze green slime?!

_THE MASTER enters, unseen by THE DOCTOR._

THE DOCTOR: No, wait. Sorry, that's Spongebob. Okay, now I'm completely confused.

THE MASTER: Shocker.

THE DOCTOR: I'm in the middle of a monologue, I don't need... _(turns and gasps) _It's the Master!

THE MASTER: Surprise!

THE DOCTOR: But-how? Because you were dead!

THE MASTER: Seriously, Doctor? That's the best you can do? "But how, because you were dead"?

THE DOCTOR: Well, I-

THE MASTER: Doctor. I don't know if you've ever met me, but coming back to life is kind of my shtick. What are the odds that I'm suddenly going to drop dead permanently for no reason?

THE DOCTOR: Seriously, you're not going to give me any explanation?

THE MASTER: I'm the Master. That is my explanation.

THE DOCTOR: Well, I guess I should have seen this coming. After all, "The Waters of Mars" is an anagram of "Wars of the Master."

THE MASTER: You noticed that, did you?

THE DOCTOR: Yes, and "Planet of the Dead" is an anagram of "The Panda Feedlot."

THE MASTER: So it is. I hadn't noticed that one.

THE DOCTOR: Also, "The Next Doctor" is an anagram of "Cod Rot Hen Text."

THE MASTER: Okay, now you're just making fun of me and my love of anagrams.

THE DOCTOR: Hey, remember the time you thought "Estram" was an acceptable alias? Remember that?

THE MASTER: Hm. Those are some bold words coming from someone who burned his home planet and slaughtered his entire race. Tell me, how did that feel?

THE DOCTOR: This is ridiculous. You kill people all the time. I'm not going to let you guilt me.

THE MASTER: Yeah, you are.

THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I am. Wait a minute...I remember now! A man with a hoodie from space. That's you!

THE MASTER: Yes, well, I am very proud of my stylish new hoodie. You like?

THE DOCTOR: What? No! Frankly, it's cheap and it's tacky and nobody likes it.

ROSE: _(offstage) _I like it.

THE DOCTOR: Shut up, Rose!

THE MASTER: I know what the real problem is. You're jealous because you've been trying to pull off that 50's detective look I-don't-know-what-it-is for the past three years, and all I have to do is throw on a black hoodie and I look amazing.

THE DOCTOR: And that's the narcissism.

THE MASTER: You invented narcissism. Literally, as I recall.

THE DOCTOR: Well, what about the way you keep upstaging me? The show is called "Doctor Who," not "Master Who"!

THE MASTER: Meanwhile, in a parallel universe! _(a beat; then, to AUDIENCE)_ Ha! See? You can't unthink it, can you?

THE DOCTOR: You will not manipulate the thought processes of this audience!

THE MASTER: Try and stop me.

THE DOCTOR: Maybe I will.

_(They circle each other menacingly)_

THE MASTER: This is stupid.

THE DOCTOR: This is. _(THE MASTER starts to leave) _Wait a minute. Where are you going?

THE MASTER: Oh, I'm going to go do a few important evil-villain type things that will leave you indubitably baffled and possibly dead.

THE DOCTOR: Cool...Wait. You're going to kill me?

THE MASTER: Yeah.

THE DOCTOR: But I thought we were good. Like, we had an understanding to where I don't kill you and you don't kill me because we respect each other and...Yes? No?

THE MASTER: Sorry, Doctor. But my primary goal is to rule the universe, and if that means killing you, then so be it. But not right now. Right now, I'm going to go work on those evil villain plans I mentioned earlier, and you're going to sit here with the glitter and the safety scissors and wait for things to happen. _(takes a bottle of glitter and a pair of safety scissors out of his pockets and presses them into THE DOCTOR's hands) _Take care.

_THE MASTER exits._

THE DOCTOR: Oh, yeah? Well...maybe I will!

_(Realizing what he's just said, he groans and smacks himself in the forehead. Then he notices the glitter and safety scissors. He shoves them irately into his pockets.)_

DONNA: _(offstage) _Mum!

THE DOCTOR: Donna?

_DONNA and SYLVIA enter as THE DOCTOR retreats to the background to watch._

DONNA: You were right, mum-this is the perfect spot for the wedding.

SYLVIA: I just hope you and Shaun will be happy together.

DONNA: I know. I've just been so lonely this past year. Actually, what have I been doing this past year?

_DONNA and SYLVIA exit._

THE DOCTOR: Oh, Donna. If the Master doesn't kill me, the feels will.

_WILF enters._

WILF: Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: Wilf!

WILF: What are you doing out here?

THE DOCTOR: Something's come up.

WILF: What is it? Can I help?

THE DOCTOR: I don't know. All I know is that all of my friends are either dead or otherwise occupied...so you're basically it.

WILF: Well, what's happened?

THE DOCTOR: One of my old enemies has come back. The Master-do you know who that is?

WILF: He was in Series Three, right?

THE DOCTOR: That's the one!

WILF: He's dangerous, as I recall-both evil and charismatic.

THE DOCTOR: Mm.

WILF: But didn't he die in the last act? Granted, that whole part went by pretty fast, but...

THE DOCTOR: No, you can't get rid of the Master. Believe me, I've tried. Even if a whole lot of people really strongly feel that it's time for him to die, there'll always be someone around to bring him back.

WILF: So it's a metaphor for the show itself?

THE DOCTOR: Yes. Wait-no! Anyway, that's not even the worst part. See, I was told that I would face flies from space, water monsters from space, and a man with a hoodie from space, and that then I would die. _(pause as he waits for WILF to get it) _The Master wears a hoodie now.

WILF: Oh!

THE DOCTOR: Yeah. And with my luck, the way this whole dying thing is going to pan out is that I'm going to have to choose between my life and his. And I don't know how that's going to happen, but that's what's going to happen.

WILF: Then don't you think you should kill him? _(takes out handgun)_

THE DOCTOR: What? No, I-Do you always carry that with you?

WILF: Guns don't kill people, Doctor. People kill people.

THE DOCTOR: Fair enough. But no, I'm not going to kill him. I still think killing is wrong and bad.

WILF: But don't you think you should honor the victims first?

THE DOCTOR: Don't you get it, Wilf? I'm the last of the Time Lords, or I was. If there's another Time Lord still alive, I have to do whatever I can to preserve that condition!

WILF: But he's a psychosadistic killer!

THE DOCTOR: Well, nobody's perfect! Besides, if I wanted him dead he'd be dead by now.

WILF: Really?

THE DOCTOR: Mm, probably not. But even if I could!

WILF: Okay, I can understand that. But I want you to keep this with you anyway. Just in case.

THE DOCTOR: No.

WILF: Why not?

THE DOCTOR: Chekhov's Gun.

WILF: What's that?

THE DOCTOR: Anton Chekhov was a Russian playwright who founded a theory that if a gun is onstage in the first act, it has to be fired by the end of the third act. And the same thing applies here. If I have that gun on my person, and the audience knows I have it, then I'm inevitably going to end up firing it. Maybe even at someone. And killing is very wrong and bad, and at this point the conversation is starting to circle, so just to sum up, no, I'm not going to take that gun with me. I'm going to face my death like a man.

WILF: Well, good luck.

_WILF exits._

THE DOCTOR: Well, I guess that's it. No Wilf. No gun. It's just me and him now. Someone once asked me whether, when it was my turn to die, I would be able to accept it. I guess it's time to find out.

_THE DOCTOR exits._


	16. Act II, Scene 8

_THE MASTER enters, carrying a straw. He looks around to make sure no one is watching. Then, he takes a ripped piece of paper out of his pocket. He mimes ripping off a bit of paper and turning it into a spitball. He puts the imaginary spitball into his straw and shoots it into the AUDIENCE. Satisfied, he makes another spitball and shoots it offstage. He makes another spitball and puts it in his straw._

_THE DOCTOR enters. THE MASTER turns, not noticing him, and shoots him squarely in the eye._

THE DOCTOR: Ow!

THE MASTER: Doctor!

THE DOCTOR: My eye!

THE MASTER: Okay, I know you're hurting, but that was really funny.

THE DOCTOR: See, this is the problem with you. I keep trying to believe you're this good person, when actually you have the humor level of a fifth grader, and, and you're a sociopath, and you're mean, you're just mean!

THE MASTER: Well, you have bad hair! _(THE DOCTOR gasps; THE MASTER is taken aback) _Oh, Doctor...I didn't mean it...You know I didn't...

THE DOCTOR: You don't like my hair.

THE MASTER: Yes I do.

THE DOCTOR: No you don't. You're an evil person who does evil things and says bad things about other people's hair.

THE MASTER: That's actually a really accurate description of me.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, I almost forgot to ask. How are those evil villain activities coming along?

THE MASTER: Well, it's a work in progress. But I'm trying to get hooked up with this alien technology that I can retrofit to-oh, I don't know-make everyone on Earth look like me?

THE DOCTOR: So it's going to be like "The Empty Child."

THE MASTER: Shut up. My ideas are original.

THE DOCTOR: And what will making everyone look like you accomplish, other than earning you the Narcissist of the Year Award?

THE MASTER: Well, I'm hoping that-I'm not a narcissist. _(THE DOCTOR shrugs apologetically) _I'm hoping that I can use it to find the source of the sound in my head.

THE DOCTOR: The what?

THE MASTER: The sound in my head. I haven't told you about that?

THE DOCTOR: I don't think so, no.

THE MASTER: Well, there's this sound in my head. I can always hear it, every second of every day, driving me insane!

THE DOCTOR: Well, much though that would explain a lot, is there any particular reason you haven't ever mentioned it before this very moment?

THE MASTER: You don't believe me?

THE DOCTOR: I've come to believe a lot of things, Master. But that sounds like rubbish.

THE MASTER: Fine, then. I'll show you. _(he holds out his hands) _Come on. Touch telepathy.

THE DOCTOR: Fine by me.

THE MASTER: I have to warn you, though: When you hear this, you will probably freak out.

THE DOCTOR: I've seen and heard a lot of things in my 900 years of time and space. I think I can handle it.

THE MASTER: Okay. Here goes.

_(THE MASTER touches his fingertips to THE DOCTOR's temples. They both close their eyes.)_

_SOUND: Music, slowly fading up. It's...Nickleback!_

THE DOCTOR: _(jerks back) _Gaaah! _(rubs his head vigorously)_

Scouring my brain, right this minute. Cannot unhear, cannot unhear...!

THE MASTER: But don't you get it? If I'm insane, it's only because of that!

THE DOCTOR: You're right. I've misjudged you all these years.

THE MASTER: Thank you.

THE DOCTOR: I mean, it's not your fault that you're insane...that killing people is your idea of fun...that you're a total raging psychopath...

THE MASTER: I think you've made your point.

THE DOCTOR: That you're a sadist...That you're a walking ego trip...That you have all the fashion sense of a-

THE MASTER: I will end you.

THE DOCTOR: But I guess what I'm really trying to say is... _(holds arms out for a hug) _I think you need a hug.

THE MASTER: But-

THE DOCTOR: Come on. Even megalomaniacs need hugs.

THE MASTER: Fine.

_(Sincere hug)_

THE DOCTOR: I forgive you.

THE MASTER: What?

THE DOCTOR

Sorry. Force of habit. But anyway, don't worry. I'm going to figure out who did this to you.

THE MASTER: Doctor, if I couldn't figure it out, what makes you think you have a chance?

THE DOCTOR: Well, because- _(gives THE MASTER an I-hate-you look for several seconds) _Because I know how to ask the right questions. Example: Why would someone want to put Nickelback music in your head? Why specifically?

THE MASTER: Well, they must have known it would drive me insane.

THE DOCTOR: Right. Insane, brilliant Time Lord trying to take over the universe leaves us with...?

THE MASTER: It almost left us with a dead Doctor. Maybe someone wants to kill you.

THE DOCTOR: Now that's just ridiculous. Who would want to kill me?

THE MASTER: Hmm...Depraved, vengeful Sherlockians?

THE DOCTOR: I don't know. They may be insane, but they're not evil.

THE MASTER: Yeah, and it'd have to be someone pretty evil.

THE DOCTOR: But who? _(to AUDIENCE) _Who would do such a thing? Who could be so foul, so evil, so heartless-?

THE MASTER: Okay, what are you doing?

THE DOCTOR: I'm trying to cue an entrance.

THE MASTER: Good idea! Let me try. Who could do such a cold and callous thing? Who could be guilty of such a great malfeasance against my very being? Who-?

_BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH enters._

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: That would be me!

THE DOCTOR: _(to AUDIENCE)_ It's Bendybrick Cabbagepatch!

THE MASTER: _(to AUDIENCE; simultaneously)_ It's Benadryl Nickelbatch!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: Yes, it was I, Benedict Cumberbatch, who put the terrible tune into the Master's head, knowing that it would one day lead the Doctor to this moment, when he would realize that the only way to save his friend from his misery was to kill him! And then the Master would regenerate into me, and he would be me, and I would be him, and I would be the Mastaaah!

THE DOCTOR: _(to AUDIENCE) _Who logic at its finest.

THE MASTER: But you forgot one thing, Bandywords Cucumberpatch! The link exists in your head as well as mine! I don't have to kill myself; I just have to kill you!

_(Slow motion: THE MASTER charges at BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, who pulls out a gun.)_

THE DOCTOR: Noooo!

_(Slow motion: THE DOCTOR leaps in front of THE MASTER.)_

_SOUND: Gunshot._

_(Slow motion: THE DOCTOR falls to the ground in a dramatic fashion.)_

THE MASTER: _(falls to his knees in an even more dramatic fashion) _Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooctor! 

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: What have I done...? I never meant for this to happen.

THE MASTER: I have only one thing to say to you. _(puts an arm around his shoulder) _And you know what it is.

_And he stabs him in the heart and pushes him offstage._

THE MASTER: _(to AUDIENCE) _Yeah! What then! I had that knife on me the whole time!

THE DOCTOR: Aaugh!

THE MASTER: Doctor! Are you okay?

THE DOCTOR: No I'm not okay, I been shot!

THE MASTER: Relax, this is Doctor Who! Dying after being shot is totally optional! It's like the Scream movies!

THE DOCTOR: Aaauugh...

THE MASTER: I hear your next incarnation has a bow tie!

THE DOCTOR: Aaaauuugh!

THE MASTER: Okay, never mind.

THE DOCTOR: Master...Everything's so cold...

THE MASTER: It was just one little bullet. Come on, regenerate.

THE DOCTOR: I guess you don't know me so well after all. I refuse.

THE MASTER: What?

THE DOCTOR: _(delirious) _If I could speak the language of the rabbits, they would worship me and I would be their king.

THE MASTER: Doctor, you don't know what you're saying! And you're not about to die on me, do you understand? I'm not going to let you die on me after you took a bullet from Cryptodynamic Ballistocardiograph for me and helped me get those Nickelback songs out of my head!

THE DOCTOR: _(coughs, then smiles weakly) _It is a better love story than Twilight.

THE MASTER: That it is, Doctor; that it is. _(helps him to his feet) _C'mon, let's get you to the Zero Room.

THE DOCTOR: The what?

THE MASTER: The Zero Room. You know, the designated safe room in the TARDIS where Time Lords are supposed to go to regenerate?

THE DOCTOR: I guess I forgot about that.

_(They share a tension release laugh)_

THE MASTER: It's a good thing I reminded you, huh?

THE DOCTOR: Can you imagine if I had tried to regenerate in...

THE MASTER: The console room?

THE DOCTOR: Oh, that would have been bad! Don't even think about it.

THE MASTER: Okay, I'll see you around.

_THE DOCTOR exits._

THE MASTER: Well, I guess I better leave while karma's still turning a blind eye.

_LUCY SAXON enters and points a gun at him._

LUCY SAXON: Dodge this.

_SOUND: Gunshot. THE MASTER falls._

THE MASTER: Ow-! Why would you you-?

_LUCY shoots him again (SOUND: Gunshot), and he stops moving. She exits._

THE MASTER: I...will...return. _(dies)_

_NEW DOCTOR enters._

NEW DOCTOR: Legs! Still got legs, good! _(kisses legs) _Arms! Hands! _(holds hand in front of face) _Lots of fingers! _(touches face) _Ears, yes! Eyes, two! Nose...I've had worse. Chin-blimey! _(feels hair) _I'm a girl! _(feels neck) _No, no! Not a girl. _(pulls hair in front of face) _And still not ginger! And something else, something important, I'm, I'm...

_SOUND: Explosion._

NEW DOCTOR: _(staggers) _Haha! Crashing! Geronimoooo!

_BAFTA REPRESENTATIVE enters._

BAFTA REPRESENTATIVE: Congratulations, Matt Smith! For your stunning work as the Doctor, you've been nominated for a BAFTA!

THE DOCTOR: _(offstage) _Aw, come on!

_The end._


End file.
